Loosening Up Tied Ends

by Clay Clarkson

Let’s talk personalities for a minute. You’ve probably noticed each of your children has one. And if your family is anything like ours, you’ve probably noticed there is a wide variety of personality in your children. One boy is building forts on the hill, one is building websites in the den, and one is building castles in his mind. One girl is playing mommy in her bedroom, one is playing Juliet through the banister rails, and one is playing Olympic archer in the backyard. If all our children had the same personality, child-raising would be easy. But God doesn’t want it to be easy: He wants it to be fun!

We’ve studied personality type for many years around our house. We all speak the language of one particular personality theory (MBTI) which has helped us, adults and children alike, understand and appreciate our God-designed differences. What I want you to see in this short column, though, is one small aspect of personality that can really help you find the fun that God wants you to have in child-raising. I can guarantee your children will remember it for the rest of their lives!

These are my own personality labels (no psycho-techie talk), but let’s just say there are two kinds of people in the world; those who are “time” oriented, and those who are “experience” oriented. Those who orient to life based on time need predictability and order. They don’t like surprises. Those who orient to life based on experience love surprises. They need to live with their options open.

My experience has been that most us as active, in-control home schooling parents feel the need to try to live an orderly, scheduled life. The pressure to get the school work completed, to go to lessons and classes, to keep the house straight, to get the chores done, and to fit a little recreation in there, too, drives us to live with a “time” orientation. Even if, as parents, we are “experience” oriented, life forces us, and our children, into the time mode.

Here’s the problem. Younger children (14 and under) need a healthy dose of both kinds of orientation in order to help them differentiate what will become their own personality. They may exhibit signs of one or the other, but it takes both time and experience before they will decide as they come into young adulthood what they really are. But the problem is that they get a lot of emphasis on orienting to “time” in a home school, but not nearly enough emphasis on orienting to “experience.” All year long you’re “tying up loose ends,” which is a time orientation. But you need to balance that with a liberal dose of “loosening up tied ends.” You need to just experience life, not always control it.

And that’s where summer comes in! It’s the time to really flex those unused personality muscles of experience for the benefit of your children. If you are naturally experience oriented, it’ll be easy and you’ll love it. If you’re naturally time oriented, it won’t be as easy, and in fact it might be uncomfortable for you, but you’ll love it even so. Here are a few suggestions for giving your children a summer of learning to orient to experience.


Pile everyone into the car (or the home school bus) and just take out on the roads around your town. Whenever someone says, “Stop! I want to see that,” you stop and experience that thing. Then you get back in the car and GO until there is another STOP. No preplanning or itinerary allowed.


Buy everyone a good flashlight and play flashlight tag some evening. Make up your own rules. Hiding behind bushes in the dark was a memorable experience for our kids (we paired younger children with older).


No, this is not kids “rebel” day, but just a day when you let your children set the agenda. Sit down in the morning and let them decide what the family will do, eat, talk about, and such. You’re still in authority, but they’re in control.


“Is there anything you’ve ever wanted to do but just didn’t feel you could?” Ask that question and see if it leads to a spontaneous experience. Let your imagination go and see where it leads.


If you’re house is like ours, watching a movie is a “big deal.” A movie marathon would be totally out of character. But it would make a great memory. So get several of the best family movies, spread out the bedrolls, pop the corn, pour the soft drinks, and tube out. Your kids will think you’re great.


We analyze everything to death around our house. Analysis-paralysis has kept us from boldly going where we’ve never gone before more than once. So, this summer, we’ll talk about doing something outside our comfort zone that will open up new experiences; climbing a mountain, meeting someone famous, making a CD.

If you need permission to step outside the boundaries of your time-oriented life to explore some experiences, then go ahead; it’s okay. Trying to keep all your loose ends tied up eventually just ties you up in knots. And your children get all knotted up in the process. So, for their sakes, use this summer to loosen up some of those tied ends. Your children will be more balanced because of it, and you’ll have more fun as a parent…just what God intended. You can’t lose when you start to loose.

Practical Home Schooling Issue #41


  1. Mardi Hinson says:

    Our family is new to homeschooling ( we’re in Tennessee) and this site/ministry looks so good. Thank you for being here! May the Lord bless you for all your effort and time to help others.

    • wholeheart says:

      I hope we can be an encouragement to you on your journey of Christian parenting and homeschooling. I was just in Nashville the week before the floods. Our whole hearts go out to our Nashville friends. It’s a second home of sorts (we lived there 91-93 and 02-04).

  2. I have been homeschooling for 4 years now but I am struggling with training my children. I had read reviews on your book “mission of motherhood” and finally checked out your website tonight. I am purchasing 5 of your books, including “24 ways of our family” that I think will be life changing for our family. From what I read I think we both began our families later in life (I was 31 when I had my first baby), as well as found the Lord in college. :) God is good and I am so excited about the things we will do in my family. :) Thank you for your ministry.

  3. Love it love it love it! Thank you Clarksons. I love the new website and especially loved this post. I am a “loose ends” gal and my best friend is a “tied ends gal” which is probably why we gel so well with getting our 7, soon to be 8 children together.

    Thank you also for putting your thoughts and insights down on paper (and 1′s and 0′s). I recommend Educating the Wholehearted Child to any believing parent who is even considering home educating. You also quote so many of my favorite authors (e.g. Clay Trumbull) in there.

    Blessings to you and your family!

    Your fellow servant in Christ,

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